Permission to Feel

Hello folks...I'm back. Just about.

So, it's been a tough couple of weeks. This death in the family was totally unexpected, has come as a huge shock to us all...and left the family devastated. It was the worst funeral I have ever been to, by far...and this was the third worst news I could have had. It hasn't been my best fortnight! And today I come back to try to get back to some sort of normality, despite the numbness, confusion and 'away with the fairy'ness I feel.

I have had an immensely moving time with my family, more hugs in 1 day than we normally give in 5 years, an incredible depth of feeling which is both disturbingly painful...and somehow beautiful. So many people have been wonderfully kind - I've had so many kindnesses, and thoughts, and prayers sent my way. And I've noticed how we supress how we feel so as not to upset/inconvenience/embarrass others.

People ask how I am, how the family is...and I know they want me to say we're ok...but we're not. In the words of My Chemical Romance 'I'm not o-fucking-k'. In public, I am maintaining the facade of ok-ness, but in private, I've given myself permission to feel how I really feel. Bad. I was fortunate enough to have time to myself to absorb, reflect and wail and scream and sob...now I'm too numb to do any of that. But I'm allowing myself to feel what I feel.

I know this goes against the conventional wisdom that you should do all you can to make yourself feel better...but not by supressing what's really there - that's like laying a blanket over a volcano. Most of the time, when you allow yourself to feel what's there, it eases (or in my case, I get bored!). As with everything, there is a balance point between feeling and wallowing - only you know where you are on the scale of ignoring feeling to wallowing in it.

Just for today, allow yourself to feel how you feel without trying to 'make' it be any other way. You may be surprised at how it changes 'all by itself'. For me, I'm not o-fucking-k...and that's ok.

Love

Donna.x